SFFmuse

[Kayara]

I need to say some unpopular things, and I don't have anywhere else to put it. I'm putting it here in Vent instead of Catharsis because ... well, I suppose maybe I'm also a masochist in case anyone does want to condemn me. :p

So. I belong to several communities, some online, some real-life. In some of them, I have the most income and means, and in others I have the least.

I tend to give out to others when it looks like there is a real need for me, personally, to give out.

What then works out is, I give out the least in communities where I have the least means, and more in communties where I have the most. Thus: people with lots of means tend to view me as some sort of stingy tightwad that doesn't care about anyone, even if they know intellectually that a "reasonable" sized contribution to them is too high for me. If I don't participate to the level that everyone else is, then I'm just not very generous.

Meanwhile, people of fewer means generally love me.

Examples: a few years ago when SFFMuse was threatened with nonexistence because nobody else had the $50 it would take to pay for the annual hosting fee, I paid it. (And then analog gave me $25.)

Whenever the people who I used to work out at a former Chinese takeout need me to help them at their new seafood market, or need me to read something in English for them that they don't understand, or have computer troubles, I go.

When the previous librarian at my ex-work left because she got into an argument with the director, and it looked like no one would organize a going-away party for her, I did. (The director was pissed at me for years after that.)

I once gave someone a car. I'd just bought my current car, they needed a car, so I put some new tires on the old one and gave it to them for free.

And right now I'm giving out a ton of stuff on freecycle as I prepare for an upcoming date-to-be-determined move.

If it's within my means, if I specifically am needed, and especially if it's not just in the sense of handing out wads of cash, I do it. That's just what I do.

But nobody sees any of this, and I don't talk about any of it, because why would I? But then the repercussions from the high-means communities come back to haunt me. I only put in $10 to the Shawn Powers fund because, come on... he's getting over $10k because both John Scalzi and Wil Wheaton blogged about the problem. If Shawn needs my help a few months from now, after the initial shock has worn off and the insurance still hasn't kicked in, then yes, of course I'll give out more then, but I wish I didn't have to feel like a cheapskate in the meantime. And when I look at how much generosity flows toward Shawn, I wonder, if it was me, would anyone even care? Because I don't think they would. Why?

Well, let's look at my ex-work. I'd gotten lax about keeping up with the social obligations of working there - all the baby showers, going away parties, flower and cards for people's deaths in the family, etc. Because I found out that I actually was making the LEAST money at the place, and had gotten a second job at the takeout specifically to avoid asking for a raise when (I thought) they couldn't afford any - but they all got theirs while I didn't. Furthermore, any time I did try to contribute, it always turned out to be too low (I guess I'm a horrible judge of what counts as "enough money spent"). And when I left, nobody organized a going-away party for me. And when I went to someone's funeral last weekend, half my former coworkers snubbed me. It shouldn't matter, because those sorts of things aren't supposed to be obligatory, only they somehow kind of are. It also shouldn't matter how other people view me because how I view myself is what's supposed to count in the end - only, well, it does.

Granted, only one person knows that I only contributed $10 (well, until I hit submit on this post), the person that collected for the UCF fund. They may think that they don't judge me for it. But most people do. And when it's my turn to need help, I expect I'll probably get a lot of apathy.
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[vinesqueen]

at some point, your charity stopped being viewed as charity and became an obligation. It became required.

A gift is never requred. (I can say that because my husband is not a member of this board.)

I am sorry that no one seemed to understand your kindnesses, but I know that some people are not very good at expressing gratitude. They suck at it because they either expect it, or they don't.

The ones that don't expect your gifts, the ones that are compltely blown away probably don't know how to express their gratitude.

I know that I have always been thankful for the kindness of others. I know I appricate your kindnesses.
_________________
NaNoWriMo 2009 Won "Halfway to Dreamland"

[robertsloan2]

It's funny, other than the fund that Scalzi set up, a lot of the obligations seem to be you expected to give "appropriate" gifts to people who already have what they need and are earning more than you do. While your real kindness goes to people in real need. I don't think a $10 gift is skimpy at all when you don't have a job at the moment, that's a stretch!

It sounds like all these gift-giving occasions circulate money within the same community and everyone's supposed to be in the same economic class -- even if you're underpaid and they're not. It's more of the Keeping Up Appearances than kindness to someone in need.

Their motives for the whip-round to cover flowers at the funerals etc. are not necessarily on the same level as when you give someone your car because they don't have one or put in your time teaching people English. You're not participating in a completely different set of customs.

And it is humiliating to get pointed out as the least contributor. It embarrasses them to know someone who couldn't just afford the suggested $25 or $50 or $100 or whatever gift -- to someone who by and large isn't actually in desperate need.

I've wound up getting that reaction when I don't contribute to registered charities. I don't like them, they're big and impersonal and I don't know where the money's going. A significant amount of it may be going to support churches I disagree with in the extreme or programs that oppress people or try to brainwash them. There's less accountability with the big ones.

I get more satisfaction out of helping actual people I know, same as you do. But then, I've never really been in the bracket where I needed the tax writeoff for registered charity. The nearest thing I've done to that is Nanowrimo because I know they survive on the donations and I use the site heavily.

It's a reciprocal economic flow and I think that it's blind if the other people don't see that your donating $10 takes more effort and more of a pinch to your budget than their putting in $50.

I know that past a certain point I started doing artwork or other homemade gifts for those occasions when I was working in a place where they'd come up. I was strapped and fighting eviction half the time so couldn't just participate normally, the cost of living in Chicago ran very high and I was supporting another adult who couldn't work.

But then, I don't exactly try to keep pace with that level of society at all, so that's where I'm coming from with it.
_________________
Robert A. Sloan and Ari Cat >^..^<

2009 New Year's Resolution: send out a pro novel submission.
http://robertsloan2.deviantart.com has a complete updated list of my eHow articles in the journal footer. Read free, I get paid on ad-share!
Current Project: http://www.explore-oil-pastels-with-robert-sloan.com -- the website that grew into a reference book on oil pastels!
[b]NaNoWriMo Total Count: 353,066/b]
Nanovel 1: Magic in the Streets 82,964
Nanovel 2: Greenwood Road 84,709
Nanovel 3: Medicine Show 75,978
Nanovel 4: Greenwood Gates 94,378
Nanovel 5: Greenwood Home 65,415 at December 1, 2009

December Finish Greenwood Home 89,513

[Nonny]

And then there's the blame-shame game. There's a fantasy/horror author who recently made a blog post "encouraging" people to donate to the Haiti funds, with wording like:

"So what's ten bucks to you this week? A couple of overpriced coffees at the local bistro? Brew your own for a couple days. How much junk food can you do without so another person can eat real food?

I don't want to hear from anyone saying they can't afford it. If you're wearing shoes, if you enjoyed a solid meal, cleaned up in a hot shower, and drank clean water, if you've not had bones crushed or carried the body of a loved one to a mass grave, then you can afford it."

Yeah, I may not be in that situation, but I still have medication to buy (which came to over $600 for myself and my husband this month), rent to pay, utilities to pay, I still need to feed myself and my family... and sorry, no, as bad as I feel about what's going on in Haiti, I need to make sure myself and mine are taken care of before I donate. At the time the author posted this, I had maybe $50 in my bank account and ended up overdrafting to the tune of $300 due to checks clearing WELL before they ever should have.

I hate the assumption that everyone who doesn't dump money to charity must be cheapskates that are holding out. No, sorry, but when getting fancy coffee and the like is a luxury, that's not the case, and while I understand the point the author is trying to make, the way she stated this, frankly, pisses me off.
_________________
Nonny Morgan :: Dark Fantasy and Paranormal Romance Author :: writing as Alina Morgan
http://www.alinamorgan.com

[robertsloan2]

Thanks, Nonny.

Good point. Reading that, I was remembering all the times I didn't have a fridge and everyone else did, wore shoes till they fell off my feet (glad the last pair of boots I bought is very lasting), went three months without anything to eat while food stamps were pending and didn't function because I didn't have medications. Where was this person to speak up for me?

Or the times in New Orleans when ten bucks meant I ate for a week, but I was still actually surviving.

Or the people whose debt is higher than their income, who sink a little deeper every week and sometimes do go to Starbucks just because the pressure gets to be too much.

Or the one in ten Americans who are out of work at the moment reading that.

It also frustrates me when if I am motivated to donate to something, the amount gets set by the software and has to be $10 -- that I couldn't put in a dollar or five or exactly what I have to spare if that's $2.35 at the moment. I do understand sometimes small donations aren't cost effective and are entirely eaten up in fees, cost more to process than the donor gave. But still, that's a problem with helping out through charities rather than handing off the $2.35 to someone you know in person, where it is all going to help with your intent.

I did donate $10 to the Haiti fund when I found a page set up by an atheist who pledged to cover the PayPal fees for donations for anyone who wanted to donate through him, up to $10,000 -- it was very practical and had another purpose. Going through him was also making it visible that helping out in a disaster isn't something only members of certain churches do. I liked the idea of the "not from a church" banner, and meant to send something anyway. Also the "doctors without borders" program looked good and was getting something effective going down there to help with their portable inflatable-tent hospitals.

But others just really make me see red.

I haven't supported the Red Cross ever since I lived in San Francisco and saw the building across from mine burn down. One man got out in his pajamas and bathrobe, he'd lost everything. He had his wallet on him with ID but no money. The Red Cross gave him some donated clothes and some coffee and steered him to a shelter ... and they charged him for it. HIM!!! The guy that had just lost everything!

Yes, he still had a job. But the point of charity is to help out people in trouble, not just be johnny on the spot to SELL them services they need. I'd have given him old clothes for free and brewed up a hot cup of coffee if I'd known. I spoke to him the day after it and found out he'd had to pay for his night in the shelter and pay for the donation clothes and pay for the coffee and donut.

Ever since, I have not trusted that organization.
_________________
Robert A. Sloan and Ari Cat >^..^<

2009 New Year's Resolution: send out a pro novel submission.
http://robertsloan2.deviantart.com has a complete updated list of my eHow articles in the journal footer. Read free, I get paid on ad-share!
Current Project: http://www.explore-oil-pastels-with-robert-sloan.com -- the website that grew into a reference book on oil pastels!
[b]NaNoWriMo Total Count: 353,066/b]
Nanovel 1: Magic in the Streets 82,964
Nanovel 2: Greenwood Road 84,709
Nanovel 3: Medicine Show 75,978
Nanovel 4: Greenwood Gates 94,378
Nanovel 5: Greenwood Home 65,415 at December 1, 2009

December Finish Greenwood Home 89,513

[Kayara]

Red Cross might've changed their ways since then (I sure hope so). Shawn, whose house just burned out last week, mentioned that the Red Cross tracked them down and gave them cash to spend.

I tried to donate to Doctors Without Borders through their website, but they only take credit cards (no paypal) and the minimum was $35. If someone else has a better idea somewhere where I can chip in $10 or $20 instead, do let me know where it is.

That was the other thing. There's Haiti, and there's Shawn. Which of those need my money more? My conclusion was that it wasn't Shawn, even though I like him and feel for him and all. He already has lots and lots of other people taking care of him, all with the means to donate at least $35. The UCF is only about 20 people and we sent him $2500 (of which only $10 was mine), if that gives you any idea of the means difference going on here... And that's not even including the $11k Chipin fund.
_________________
My writing blog - trials and tribulations of me attempting to write fiction :)
My general blog - mostly a bunch of observations on life, the universe, and everything
My BrightHub articles - watch me expound on science! :D
My eHow articles - how-to articles on a variety of general topics

[vinesqueen]

who is this Shawn person?
_________________
NaNoWriMo 2009 Won "Halfway to Dreamland"

[Kayara]

Shawn Powers - Linux Journal editor, member of a number of online sci-fi/fantasy commuinties, much beloved by many. Also a friend of mine. His house was destroyed in a fire last weekend, and aside from all their stuff, they also lost four dogs and a cat.
_________________
My writing blog - trials and tribulations of me attempting to write fiction :)
My general blog - mostly a bunch of observations on life, the universe, and everything
My BrightHub articles - watch me expound on science! :D
My eHow articles - how-to articles on a variety of general topics

[Nonny]

I remember you telling me that story before, Robert, and I was horrified at the time. Still am.

Red Cross still has the issue of major administrative overhead. There is no guarantee that the money you're donating is actually going to the people who need help and not to funding administrative costs.

I was impressed to see that the Livejournal Help_Haiti community, which gathered up a LOT of people from fandom and the like who did art, fiction, crafty things, etc, for starting bids of around $5... managed to hit a current tally of $115,000 in pledged donations, once the money is all gathered. Considering that many people on LJ, especially in fandom, are broke... that's pretty impressive.

Truthfully, though, and this may sound horrid... given the amount of aid sent to Haiti already, I'm more likely to donate to someone I know from one of my various communities that needs help paying for their medical, or their pet's medical, or help trying to keep their house, or help getting through until the next check clears, whatever. I'm far more likely to send the money to people I know, whose own country won't help them.
_________________
Nonny Morgan :: Dark Fantasy and Paranormal Romance Author :: writing as Alina Morgan
http://www.alinamorgan.com

[vinesqueen]

oh, I'm sorry for your friend's loss.
_________________
NaNoWriMo 2009 Won "Halfway to Dreamland"